We all aspire to achieve different things during the course of our lives. How big the dream is or the level of risk to achieve it, is quite personal. In the end, to move yourself forward, upward, and onward to manifest what you seek, requires confidence. This can feel harder to achieve when your socio-economic background, family of origin, or societal and cultural conditioning has reinforced a message of “You’re Less Than.”

I have personally battled this message and self-perception as I pursued my personal hopes and dreams. In fact, if beating yourself up was a martial art, I’d have a black belt! Thankfully I’ve invested a lot over the years in studying ways to combat the Inner Critic that has served me with research, personal coaching and a practice.

If you get one thing with age other than gray hair and extra lines on your face, you get wisdom if you’re willing to see it. I’m happy to pass along my lessons.

I found it interesting to look at the etymology of the word, Confidence. With Latin roots, the prefix “Con” most often means “with” or “together,” but in the case of Confidence, it translates to mean completely. The verb, “fidere” means “to trust.” So confidence literally means Complete Trust. In what? In yourself.

How do you support and love yourself to create this kind of trust? What are actual things you can do to foster it for yourself?  Four things:

ONE: HOLD YOUR OWN MIRROR.
Don’t let anyone have the privilege of defining who you are other than you. What does this mean?

It means you don’t seek validation, praise or approval from anyone in order to feel good about yourself and know that you’re OK. Likewise, you don’t internalize criticism from anyone as a proof point that you’re not OK.

Genuinely confident people don’t block or resist feedback from others – their relationship with it is just different. They listen from a place of curiosity as something to consider as an opportunity for growth, or a way to communicate or give to someone differently in the way another prefers or needs to receive. They don’t unequivocally accept feedback simply because it comes from someone with stated expertise, or a title, or a position of authority.

TWO: FAIL LIKE A PHOENIX.
We all know that not every hope and dream happens exactly like you had imagined. There are set backs. Rejections. Failures. Heartbreaks. And Loss. We all have them.

Though difficult, I recommend transforming your idea and socialization around the concept of failure altogether and look at it as a gift. I believe you absolutely need to feel the grief. Be human. Allow whatever gradient of sadness or anger within you to be fully felt.

But don’t stay there. Turn the page.

And when you turn that page, don’t allow the set back or heartbreak mean you have to choose less for yourself going forward and downgrade your life. Cuss no. Use it as an opportunity to upgrade.

Like a Phoenix, burn what didn’t work for YOU, put your wings back on, and Rise Up.

THREE: BE UNAPOLOGETICALLY YOURSELF.
To quote one of my favorite poets, Dr Suess:

Today you are you, that is Truer than True.
There is no one alive who is You-er than You.

Whether you’re introverted or extraverted, mathematical or creative, You Be You. Confidence is not about viewing yourself as the best at everything. Let’s reserve that for the narcissists. Confidence is just as the word is defined in having complete trust in yourself. It’s about knowing that intrinsically you are perfect and enough exactly the way you are right now. It might be hard to take in, but it’s true.

You can also lean in to what you know you’re great at as you gain more and more self awareness. You can accept what you’re not great at. You can look at areas where you struggle and choose to work on it and grow. You can also recognize that you’re not wired in a certain way and not put your energy toward those things.

FOUR: Prioritize Self-Care Practices that supercharge Self Esteem.
I work to remind myself to put the oxygen mask on myself every day, knowing that doing these things absolutely works and really, truly makes a difference.

• Meditate.
• Get outside.
• Move your body.
• Eat plant-strong, nutritious foods.
• Drink a lot more water. (Note to self….!)
• Watch your posture. Stand tall. Hold your head up. These aren’t just figures of speech. Doing so can be transformative as the mind follows the body!
• Remember that the most important words you say every day are the words you say to yourself and on behalf of yourself. Your words are magic. They are the biggest manifestation tool that you have. Try on some mantras that work for you that you can put on repeat, and a good fight song to turn on when you need it. Practice saying No.

You got this!